In a classic scene from the movie Good Will Hunting, Will, the main character, has a major breakthrough in his counselor’s office after a few months of therapy. He weeps into his therapist’s arms and walks out the door a changed man. It seems from that one potent moment, he transfigures his entire life.
It’s such a moving scene. We’ve been rooting for his character, and it’s touching to see him suddenly transform so deeply and go off to live the life he deserves.
We all wish for moments like that. For that dramatic change we’ve been working so hard for to instantaneously emerge and forever alter the course of our life.
Many people imagine that going to therapy is for a moment like that; for the lead up to that breakthrough that changes your life. And it is certainly true that some people, whether they are in therapy or not, have major moments that dramatically alter their inner world and life outside of it. Significant, rapid change is a real thing.
Many a time, however, change and growth follow a different pace.
The truth is change is often slow. Subtle. An unhurried, nonlinear movement.. And it can be quiet, occurring in tiny moments that can be easy to miss.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear.
When you’ve been living with a pattern that has caused problems that you’re becoming more and more aware of, it makes sense to want the big change to happen now. I get it. It’s frustrating.
We also live in an achievement-driven culture addicted to instant results. So it can be very easy to feel like we’re not measuring up when change is taking its sweet time.
But after living with a particular pattern for so many years, no matter how consciously problematic, it makes sense that it would take time for new patterns to develop and build strength.
In fact, this is how healing and growth actually occur. Our psyches are designed to fall apart so that we have the opportunity to go through the process of putting them back together at a higher level of understanding and organization, one step at a time. As I often remind my clients, if you try to push yourself too fast through this, you will scare your psyche, and change will take longer. Paradoxically, the slower we go, the faster it happens. You will know this is what’s transpiring for you because not all parts of you are ready to give up; because you feel something right and real and true in the midst of the frustration.
This is solid, lasting change, built from the bottom up. And we can’t make it happen any faster than it needs to. So often, we don’t even realize it’s happening because what is happening feels so hard. Feels like we’re never going to get there. Feels like we’re doing life wrong because we’re not there yet.
The beauty of this kind of change, though, is it allows us to grow into it. Because, actually, deep change is occurring under the current of these stories in the mind. You are on the path. The willingness to struggle and tolerate uncertainty is the very manifestation of growth. The kind of growth and change that belong to you for life.
There is abundant potential for profound transformation in falling apart and rebuilding, one slow, messy step at a time. Trust that your growth is happening in every moment of struggle that you stay with yourself and honor the unique, precious rhythm of your life.